This may turn into a rambling piece, but I'd appreciate it if you could read it through to the end.

The Day I Couldn't Get to the Hamburger Shop

The other day, I had decided to go to a particular hamburger shop.

I had a meeting from 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM, so I headed there by car afterward. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, so I was quite hungry. When I arrived at the shop at 2:30 PM, it was closed for their regular day off.

"Oh well, can't be helped," I thought, and headed to a nearby conveyor belt sushi restaurant. However, they weren't open from 2:30 PM to 5:00 PMβ€”idle hours.

My hunger was reaching its limit, so I thought, "Maybe I'll just go to the nearby Mos Burger." But my wife looked up and said, "There's a set meal restaurant nearby that seems to have good reviews." Since she'd gone to the trouble of finding it, we went there, but it turned out to be reservation-only and we couldn't get in.

By this point, I was quite irritated. In the end, we went back to the Mos Burger we'd seen earlier and ate there. We finished eating at 3:30 PM.

The True Nature of the Unease

Even after eating, I didn't feel quite right.

My hunger should have been satisfied, but something was still bothering me. I thought, "What went wrong?" Was it my fault for not checking their regular closing days beforehand? Was it bad to try to eat at the awkward hour of 2:00 PM?

But somehow, it felt like it wasn't just that.

Actually, when I wanted to go to Mos Burger, I had told my wife, "I'm at my limit, I want to go to Mos." But she said, "The set meal place looks good," and seemed like she really wanted to try it. So I gave in.

And the result? It was reservation-only, we couldn't get in, and we ended up going back to Mos Burger anyway.

When we found out the set meal place was reservation-only, to be honest, I thought to myself, "I told you so."

What was this unease really about? Was it just irritation from hunger and fatigue? Or was there something else? I myself didn't really understand.

Reflecting with ORIMD

At times like this, I use a framework I created called "ORIMD" for introspection.

ORIMD is a framework for reflecting on events through five steps: O (Objective: facts), R (Reflective: feelings), I (Interpretive: interpretation), M (Meaning: meaning), D (Decisional: decision). It's something I created by combining the "ORID" method with the axes of question-making.

I use this ORIMD not just for big decisions about work and career, but often for small daily frustrations. In fact, trivial everyday events are the perfect practice ground for introspection.

I reflected on this hamburger shop incident using ORIMD as well.

O (Objective: Facts)

First, I organized what happened.

When you just line up the facts, it's just a "story about failing to find a place to eat out." But when you add emotions to this, things change.

R (Reflective: Feelings)

Next, I reflected on what emotions I had.

Looking at my emotions, I can see I had a mix of "endurance," "resignation," and "a bit of anger" inside me.

And what I felt strongly when the set meal place didn't work out was the feeling of "I told you so."

I (Interpretive: Interpretation)

So why did I feel that way?

I think I felt "I told you so" because I wanted to prove that my judgment was correct.

I said "I'm at my limit, I want to go to Mos." But even after telling my wife that, I prioritized her preference and gave in. And as a result, we ended up going back to Mos anyway.

In other words, if I had followed my own judgment from the start, I could have eaten much sooner.

But I couldn't exactly say to my wife, "See, I was right all along." Saying that would just make our relationship tense. So the unease had nowhere to go and remained in my heart.

Another thing I noticed was that the way I compromised was half-hearted.

I said "I'm at my limit, I want to go to Mos." But when my wife said "The set meal place is good," I didn't fully commit to giving in. While I thought "Well, okay," the feeling of "I still really want to go to Mos" remained in my heart.

In other words, I gave in, but I didn't really give in.

M (Meaning: Meaning)

What can I learn from this incident?

First, small daily frustrations are the perfect practice ground for introspection.

It's not just big decisions about work and career that are subjects for introspection. Even a trivial event like "I couldn't get to the hamburger shop" reveals patterns in my emotions and thinking when I reflect on it carefully.

Second, I need to increase the resolution of what it means to "compromise".

"Compromising" doesn't just mean withdrawing your opinion. If you're really going to compromise, you should commit fully and respect the other person's choice. If you're not going to compromise, you should stick to your opinion. I should have gone fully in one direction or the other.

But I compromised ambiguously, thinking "Well, okay." As a result, I was left with the regret of "I should have just gone to Mos" and the anger of "I told you so."

Half-hearted compromising is the most painful.

D (Decisional: Decision)

So what would I do if I faced a similar situation next time?

First, if I think I'm at my limit, I should communicate it properly again.

This time, I did say "I'm at my limit, I want to go to Mos" once. But when my wife said "The set meal place is good," I could have said again, "Sorry, I really can't anymore, let me go to Mos."

Second, if I'm going to compromise, I should commit fully.

If I'm going to prioritize the other person's preference, once I decide "Okay, let's go to the set meal place," I should fully accept that choice. I should have enough composure to think "Even if it doesn't work out, that's fine." If I can't do that, it's better not to compromise.

Third, decide on a retreat line beforehand.

This time, three places in a row didn't work. But if we had a rule like "If two places don't work, we'll go to a place we can definitely get into," we might have been able to switch sooner.

Especially when judgment is impaired by hunger or fatigue, I think we need rules like this.

Digging Deeper into the Structure of "Compromising"

From here, I'd like to think a bit more about "compromising."

What I realized reflecting on this incident is that "compromising" has at least three stages.

1. Superficial Compromise

A state where you think "Well, okay" and go along with the other person's opinion, but deep down you think your opinion is correct. This was exactly me this time.

When you compromise in this state, when things don't go well, you end up thinking "I told you so." And since you can't say that unease to the other person, it accumulates in your heart.

2. Committed Compromise

A state where you have your own opinion, but you decide to respect the other person's choice and accept the results as well.

If you can think "Let's go to the set meal place. Even if it doesn't work out, that's just how it is," then even if you end up going back to Mos, you should be able to think "Well, at least we tried and found out."

3. Agreement Based on Conviction

A state where you listen to the other person's opinion and change your choice after being convinced that "Actually, that might be better."

This would be the best, but it's difficult to get to this state when you're irritated from hunger.

I think I proceeded with "1. Superficial Compromise" this time.

I should have either done "2. Committed Compromise" or chosen "not to compromise." But in a marital relationship, it's also difficult to completely ignore the other person's preference. So I ambiguously compromised, thinking "Well, okay."

When asked "So what should I have done?" there's no clear answer. However, I think just being aware of which stage I'm compromising at would make quite a difference.

If I could notice "Ah, I'm only compromising superficially right now," I might be able to choose whether to "communicate properly again" or "fully commit to compromising."

How to Communicate Limits and Retreat Lines

Let me write down a couple more things I noticed.

One is that even when you think you've communicated "I'm at my limit," it may not have gotten through to the other person.

I said "I'm at my limit, I want to go to Mos." But from my wife's perspective, it might have been received as "Well, he says he's at his limit, but he can probably push a bit more."

"Communicating" and "getting through" are different. Especially in close relationships like marriage, we tend to think "They should understand without me saying this much," but surprisingly often it doesn't get through.

Another is the importance of deciding on a retreat line beforehand.

In this case, if we had a rule like "If two places don't work, we'll go to a place we can definitely get into," we might have turned back before going to the set meal restaurant.

Rules like this can be used for small daily decisions too. I think simple rules are especially helpful when judgment is impaired by hunger or fatigue.

Introspecting on Daily Frustrations

What I think after writing all this is that small daily frustrations are really a treasure trove for introspection.

"I couldn't get to the hamburger shop" is a trivial event that happens to anyone. But when you ask yourself "Why am I feeling unsettled?" and reflect on it with ORIMD, you can see patterns in your emotions and thinking.

In my case, what I noticed this time was:

Things like this come up the same way in big situations at work and in career too.

For example, you say "I think this direction is wrong" in a meeting, but you're overruled by majority vote, and later you feel unsettled thinking "See, it didn't work out." This has the same structure.

Or you tell your boss "I'm at my limit with this work," but they say "Well, you can push a bit more," and you end up forcing yourself and getting sick. This is also a problem with "how to communicate limits."

Habits about yourself that you notice in small daily frustrations show up the same way in big situations I think.

So maybe trivial everyday events are worth introspecting on carefully.

Closing

Finally, I'll leave you with a question.

Do you have any events that left you with the unsettled feeling of "I should have done it that way"?

It might be a big decision at work, or it might be a trivial event like the day I couldn't get to the hamburger shop.

If you have such an event, try reflecting on it with ORIMD once.

Carefully introspecting on small daily frustrations might be the first step to knowing patterns in your thinking and emotions.

Related Books

For those who want to learn more deeply about introspection and reflection, the following books are recommended.

[πŸ“¦ 商品γƒͺンク: moshimo-book-insight]

[πŸ“¦ 商品γƒͺンク: moshimo-book-reflection-kumakura]